Remember the other day, when I said "if you're happy, you're doing something wrong"? Well, I keep thinking about that. And I think that's your problem. I think that’s the problem of anyone trying to be faithful. I think if you're honestly trying to be faithful, you look at the world with all of its brokenness, all of its injustice, and all of the loud angry people who swear they're doing it right, and you can't help but lament. And when you try to explain it, you get upset. Or the words come out wrong. Or you criticize the person, and not the problem. And it leaves you standing in the caf arguing because you can't get your friend to understand what you're trying to say, and that it isn't about him. I think when you are honestly trying to be faithful, you see that more often then not, the Church is not happening within the institution of the church. Prophesy is not being spoken. And this "moralistic, therapeutic Deism" is screaming that its the Kingdom of God, but you know that can't be it. And you think "why the hell am I living here and being concerned about my stuff and not sharing all things in common like I think we are called to?!" It's disheartening and frustrating, to say the least.
Today I learned that even though I say things about fighting the powers, and fighting injustice, and seeking peace, and all that good stuff... I'm missing a huge part. I forget to give grace to people that I don't see giving grace. And I forget to be friends with people that annoy me. And I forget those simple "love your neighbor" things. And then, I feel like one of those religion majors that thinks they've figured it out. I still need to learn to ask for humility. And remember that.... we're all just trying to figure it out, and we all have a lot to learn. And that is painful.
But I don't want to give up on joy. I think if we lose sight of that, then there too, we're doing something wrong. In the midst of "trying to figure it out", we have to remember that we aren't alone. There are people that "get it". There are people that don't need a shit load of ... prolegomena before you can say what you want to say--you can just TALK. That is beautiful. That is home. We have to cling to that. Maybe faithfulness looks like always being on the edge of tears, but I don't think it means being so jaded you forget that hope is the reason we're doing this at all. I think faithfulness means joy in the midst of overwhelming exhaustion we feel when looking at the Church.
I say all this to say, I hope you are encouraged by the fact that what you do matters. I am beginning to see where I am headed. I think there is a lot of pain in my future. I see it in the eyes of the teachers and mentors and friends I look up to. But too, I know that it’s worth it. I know the call matters. I know there is joy in the midst of the struggle. And we are not alone. We have each other. We must never forget we have each other.
Just some thoughts I wanted to share with someone who gets it.
K, I'm gonna sleep now. Hope that your morning/afternoon/evening is going well.
Also, this past week has made me understand why people smoke weed. Sometimes its nice to not have to think.
-Kylie
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